The new, young MD doing his residency in OB was quite embarrassed when performing female pelvic exams. To cover his embarrassment, he had unconsciously formed a habit of whistling softly. The middle-aged lady upon whom he was performing this exam suddenly burst out laughing, further embarrassing him. Looking up from his work, he sheepishly said, 'I'm sorry. Was I tickling you?' She replied, 'No doctor, but the song you were whistling was, 'I wish I was an Oscar Meyer Wiener!'

A customer walks into a restaurant and notices a large sign on the wall:

Three guys died together in a terrible accident. Fortunately, they went to heaven. St. Peter says, "We only have one rule here: Don't step on the ducks, as they are God's favorite creation."

They enter heaven and see ducks everywhere, and it's almost impossible not to step on a duck. The first guy accidentally steps on one, and soon here comes St. Peter with the ugliest woman you've ever seen. St. Peter chains them together and says, "Your punishment is to be chained to this ugly woman forever."

The next day the second guy steps on a duck, and sure enough, St. Peter comes with another real ugly woman and chains them together.

Seeing this, the third guy is very, very careful. He goes for months and doesn't step on any ducks. Then one day, St. Peter comes along with this beautiful woman, a blue-eyed blonde, very young and very sexy. He chains them together and leaves without saying a word. The man remarks, "Wow! This is great! I wonder what I did to deserve this?"

The Blonde says, "I don't know about you, but I just stepped on a duck."

Funniest Divorce Letter
Dear Wife,
I'm writing you this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you forever. I've been a good man to you for seven years and I have nothing to show for it. These last two weeks have been hell. Your boss called to tell me that you quit your job today and that was the last straw. Last week, you came home and didn't even notice that I had a new haircut, had cooked your favorite meal and even wore a brand new pair of silk boxers. You ate in two minutes, and went straight to sleep after watching all of your soaps. You don't tell me you love me anymore; you don't want sex or anything that connects us as husband and wife.

Either you're cheating on me or you don't love me anymore; whatever the case, I'm gone.

Your EX-Husband
P.S. Don't try to find me. Your SISTER and I are moving away to West Virginia together! Have a great life!

A photographer on vacation was inside a church taking photographs when he noticed a golden telephone mounted on the wall with a sign that read "$10,000 per call".
The American, being intrigued, asked a priest who was strolling by what the telephone was used for.The priest replied that it was a direct line to heaven and that for $10,000 you could talk to God.The American thanked the priest and went along his way.

Next stop was in Atlanta. There, at a very large cathedral, he saw the same golden telephone with the same sign under it. He wondered if this was the same kind of telephone he saw in Orlando and he asked a nearby nun what its purpose was. She told him that it was a direct line to heaven and that for $10,000 he could talk to God. "O.K., thank you," said the American.

He then traveled to Indianapolis, Washington, Philadelphia, Boston, and New York. In every church he saw the same golden telephone with the same '$10,000 per call' sign under it.

The American, upon leaving Vermont decided to travel up to Canada to see if Canadians had the same phone. He arrived in Canada, and again, in the first church he entered, there was the same golden telephone, but this time the sign under it read "50¢ per call".
The American was surprised so he asked the priest about the sign."'Father, I've traveled all over America and I've seen this same golden telephone in many churches. I'm told that it is a direct line to heaven, but in the US the price was $10,000 per call. Why is it so cheap here?"
The priest smiled and answered, "You're in Canada now, son ... it's a local call".

New Medications for Women

St. Mom's Wort
Plant extract that treats mom's depression by rendering preschoolers unconscious for up to six hours.
E m p t y N e s t r o g e n
Highly effective suppository that eliminates melancholy by enhancing the memory of how awful they were as teenagers and how you couldn't wait till they moved out.
P e p t o b i m b o
Liquid silicone for single women. Two full cups swallowed before an evening out increases breast size, decreases intelligence, and improves flirting.
D u m e r o l
When taken with Peptobimbo, can cause dangerously low I.Q., resulting in enjoyment of country & western music.
F l i p i t o r
Increases life expectancy of commuters by controlling road rage and the urge to flip off other drivers.
A n t i b o y o t i c s
When administered to teenage girls, is highly effective in improving grades, freeing up phone lines, and reducing money spent on make-up.
M e n i c i l l i n
Potent anti boyotic for older women. Increases resistance to such lines as, "You make me want to be a better person ... can we get naked now?"
B u y a g r a
Injectable stimulant taken prior to shopping. Increases potency and duration of spending spree.
J a c k A s s p i r i n
Relieves headache caused by a man who can't remember your anniversary or phone number.
A n t i-t a l k s i d e n t
A spray carried in a purse or wallet to be used on anyone too eager to share their life stories with total strangers.

And the best:
D a m i t o l
Take 2 and the rest of the world can go to hell for up to 8 hours.